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Hi,

My name is Sandie and I am the stepmom of two, DSD 11 and DSS 12. I have known my hubby for 20 years (in Dec). He was my first boyfriend at age 12 (He was 18!!!!! Yes I was bad but only with him). Anyhoo, due to my age we were on and off for the first 12 years until we got serious and got married in 2000. DSD and DSS have different moms so we have two different personalities that affect our home. DSD lives with us and DSS lives with his maternal grandmother (long story, we are trying to get him though). I have had DSD since she was 3 and here we are living as a blended family.

I dont talk to either of the moms. DSD's mom with her audacity told me in 2005 that when it comes to her daughter I should stay out of it. Yeah, says the person that does nothing for her daughter to the person that does everything for her daughter. Me, the primary breadwinner of the household which includes her daughter, the one that washes, cooks, and cleans, the one that helps with homework and takes her daughter to church and Bible Study. The one that pays for her daughter to come visit her for the summer and sends pocket money to her daughter because she cannot afford to do even that.

Yes, I am a little bitter but I am working on me with God's help.

Sandie

Edited: I should have said due to my age and maturity and his lack thereof :-P we were on and off for 12 years.

Hi Momma,

I do pray for the bio-moms because what they do is affecting their own relationship with their children as well as it affects the children. I don't talk to either of them and I still do the best I can at all times for my stepdaughter because of my love for her and her dad.

The thing is, the moms and I don't have to be friends. I do what I am supposed to do for the kids and I do it regardless of them or the relationship between me and them. It's been 8 years that DH and I have been married and as I explained we have been on and off but at no time was I out of his life even when he was with the children's moms. I was always a good friend in those times and when there was a problem I provided a shoulder for him to cry on. In the end, that friendship renewed the love that we always had for each other and here we are.

I am glad for you that you get along with your ex and his girlfriend, that is the way it is supposed to be but these females that I am talking about are immature so I just don't lower myself in having to go down to their level.

I Thank God for all that He has done in me, for me, and thru me. I know He has a lot more to do and I welcome it and cannot wait. As I said in the other post in STTA. I have a better relationship with my DSD than she has with her bio-mom and it is because she sees now how things really are. Her mom was previously painting a wrong picture and she fell for it because she was too young to understand some of it. Now she is getting older and understanding more and more and calling her mom on some of the things she says and it has caused her mom to actually lash out at her. That is why I was saying that time will heal some of the wounds otherwise an additional outlet is DH. My DH initiallly couldnt believe some of the things that were going on and would actually defend bio-mom but after a while he really saw her for who she is and now he has a different perspective. When he would defend her, that was when I was really resentful and that is why I can understand any stepparent that claims to be resentful because it isnt easy to deal with especially when you are doing the right thing by the stepkids.

Kids are kids, that is true but that doesnt change how you feel. You will even think that kids are kids but when your feelings are hurt for whatever reason, the kids are kids thing doesnt suffice.

Sandie

Sandie

Hi Momma,

My DH and I just always had a deep kind of love for each other. I remember when he lived in Jamaica I went home and said I was not going to talk to him. I was just going to avoid him because everytime I was there no matter who he was with, he would break up with them and me and him would hang out and party for the time that I was there on vacation and then when I left he would go back to them. In those times we were just friends and because we grew up together and had the same friends and some family members in common it was great for us all to hang out and reminisce and so on. The girlfriends never could handle that. Even when I had someone else it was still a problem. When he broke up with each of the moms the final time I was never in Jamaica and wouldnt find out about it until way after it happened. he broke up with DSD's mom when DSD was 2 years old and he called me for a shoulder to cry on and at the time unbelievably I just broke up with my ex-fiance at the time. So we nursed each other back to health. He was in Jamaica and I was here in the US. We nursed each other over the phone :-)

Anyway, it came to the point where we got used to having each other to lean on again and then that grew to the point that we felt we should try marriage.

The thing is, neither one of them really had a strong relationship with him otherwise he wouldnt be okay with breaking up with them to hang out with me for 2 weeks each year. Then on top of that, they shouldnt have allowed him to do that either. I avoided Jamaica when my DSD was born just to not interfere and they broke up anyway. Bio-mom however tells a different tale. She says that DH and I were together all along but that wasnt the case because I was engaged to someone else here in the US when they were both going out. That guy was JEALOUS, girllllllllllll I can tell you stories about that one. MAN!!!!!!! He followed me, bugged my phones, took a bunch of aspirins to make me think he was trying to kill himself. Had to get away from that crazy dude.

Sandie

Kids are priceless but they just have to have boundaries and know that they are consequences for messing up or crossing boundaries.

I do that a lot. We were supposed to go to Wet N Wild and DSD did certain things that she wasnt supposed to do so the punishment was for us not to go to Wet N Wild yet. I let her know that what she did was not appreciated and that we were upset about it. We don't spank so we have to get creative. What I realize though is that sometimes when we sit her down and talk to her that she ends up feeling bad for what she has done to the point that she will cry and once I see that I know I have made my point and it has hit home.

I know that won't work with boys but just be creative on what you do with them. Speak to HN about it and I am quite sure you can come up with something. I'll think about some stuff. Things that I have done is take toys/TV/cell phone away for a week for the first infraction and then additional weeks based on severity of the issue.

Sandie