I will let you all know about me. I'm Amber, Dh is A. We will have been married 3 years in December. DSD(M) is 10, DSS(H) will be 8 next month. I have a
son from a previous marriage, K. He is 6 and J who is A and my daughter and she is 19 months old. Yours, Mine and Ours...to further complicate the situation a
year ago we moved an hour north of the kids parents. My ex sees K every weekend. It's a good situation. We NEVER fight. We are interested in doing
what's best for K. This move put the kids in a much better school district and a much smaller community. DSD and DSS mom is not as cooperative...she has
remarried and she has the kids on the weekends and every Monday. There is a lot of driving on my part to pick them up Monday morning at an inbetween spot, take
them to school and take them back, pick them up Tuesday morning...just a little about me
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Support for Blended families
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 msmommy |
Support for Blended families |
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Oldtimer
 Posts: 1674 10/21/2008 3:49 PM
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mommababyboy |
#1 | |||
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Gold Member  Over 10,000 posts !!! Oldtimer
Posts: 17018 10/21/2008 7:17 PM Three Buetful Girlz! |
Im Keisha, I have 3 girls two are from my ex h. he gets the girls every weekend and sometimes he has a dinner night, we have joint custody... we get along o.k.
he has moved on and i get along good with his better half too. At first we didnt get along but we all had a sit down and worked things out. The hardest thing
for me is dd#2 wants daddy to move back home with us.. told her that would be impossible because we are divorced. Daddy and I are happy with the people we are
with. She loves Eric a lot but she wants to see her dad more. her dad works two jobs so its not possible. Well thats my story!
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sandradenise |
#2 | |||
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Oldtimer
Posts: 4042 10/22/2008 8:47 AM
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Hi,
My name is Sandie and I am the stepmom of two, DSD 11 and DSS 12. I have known my hubby for 20 years (in Dec). He was my first boyfriend at age 12 (He was 18!!!!! Yes I was bad but only with him). Anyhoo, due to my age we were on and off for the first 12 years until we got serious and got married in 2000. DSD and DSS have different moms so we have two different personalities that affect our home. DSD lives with us and DSS lives with his maternal grandmother (long story, we are trying to get him though). I have had DSD since she was 3 and here we are living as a blended family. I dont talk to either of the moms. DSD's mom with her audacity told me in 2005 that when it comes to her daughter I should stay out of it. Yeah, says the person that does nothing for her daughter to the person that does everything for her daughter. Me, the primary breadwinner of the household which includes her daughter, the one that washes, cooks, and cleans, the one that helps with homework and takes her daughter to church and Bible Study. The one that pays for her daughter to come visit her for the summer and sends pocket money to her daughter because she cannot afford to do even that. Yes, I am a little bitter but I am working on me with God's help. Sandie Edited: I should have said due to my age and maturity and his lack thereof :-P we were on and off for 12 years. Sandie (33) Dave (40) To our Angels - We love and miss you but we know that you are with God right now helping Him.
Psalm 113:9 "He maketh the barren woman to keep house and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the LORD."
Last Edited By: sandradenise 10/22/2008 10:37 AM.
Edited 1 time.
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msmommy |
#3 | |||
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Oldtimer
Posts: 1674 10/22/2008 9:49 AM
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That must be hard to deal w/ two seperate step families. I pray that you can get your DSS.
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mommababyboy |
#4 | |||
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Gold Member Over 10,000 posts !!! Oldtimer
Posts: 17018 10/22/2008 11:15 AM Three Buetful Girlz! |
sandie sounds like a difficult situation. i think your headed in the right direction with working on you first. Put a note in your bible about what you want to
change about you. You have to get the resentment and bitterness out first. You guys can get thru this...I know you can!!! sorry things are so rough in that
area for u...
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mommababyboy |
#5 | |||
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Gold Member Over 10,000 posts !!! Oldtimer
Posts: 17018 10/22/2008 11:33 AM Three Buetful Girlz! |
sandra, try not an let the mom's get to u( i bet its hard). pray for them.. pray for their heart. Last Feb, i was in a situation where this lady told me to
pray for this guy that was giving me a hard time, I looked at her message and said she must be crazy.. but I was desperate so I did it anyway and slowly but
surely this guy heart started to change... women are petty and thats what this woman sounds like. I would try not to deal with her.. also try not to let the
dislike you have for her sway to the kids... My close friend has two step children and because of alllllllllllllll the issues shes had with their mom she
resent the kids... and even though sometimes the kids are bad.. its not their fault... all kids are bad at times.. biological kids, step kids, adopted kids..
my ex and i get along but it hasnt always been that way. im not a petty person when it comes to my kids. as long as their best interest is at heart then what do we have to fight about??? my kids love my ex's better half and i glad they get along... i dont understand how a woman would want to cause friction in their ex's relationship? its just insane to me. when me and my ex didnt get along it was in the beginning of their relationship and he said it was because he felt like he was in an awkward position...him and I dont see eye to eye on some issues with our children but we work it out. him and his girl get along actually better than me and him... |
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sandradenise |
#6 | |||
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Oldtimer
Posts: 4042 10/22/2008 12:51 PM
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Hi Momma,
I do pray for the bio-moms because what they do is affecting their own relationship with their children as well as it affects the children. I don't talk to either of them and I still do the best I can at all times for my stepdaughter because of my love for her and her dad. The thing is, the moms and I don't have to be friends. I do what I am supposed to do for the kids and I do it regardless of them or the relationship between me and them. It's been 8 years that DH and I have been married and as I explained we have been on and off but at no time was I out of his life even when he was with the children's moms. I was always a good friend in those times and when there was a problem I provided a shoulder for him to cry on. In the end, that friendship renewed the love that we always had for each other and here we are. I am glad for you that you get along with your ex and his girlfriend, that is the way it is supposed to be but these females that I am talking about are immature so I just don't lower myself in having to go down to their level. I Thank God for all that He has done in me, for me, and thru me. I know He has a lot more to do and I welcome it and cannot wait. As I said in the other post in STTA. I have a better relationship with my DSD than she has with her bio-mom and it is because she sees now how things really are. Her mom was previously painting a wrong picture and she fell for it because she was too young to understand some of it. Now she is getting older and understanding more and more and calling her mom on some of the things she says and it has caused her mom to actually lash out at her. That is why I was saying that time will heal some of the wounds otherwise an additional outlet is DH. My DH initiallly couldnt believe some of the things that were going on and would actually defend bio-mom but after a while he really saw her for who she is and now he has a different perspective. When he would defend her, that was when I was really resentful and that is why I can understand any stepparent that claims to be resentful because it isnt easy to deal with especially when you are doing the right thing by the stepkids. Kids are kids, that is true but that doesnt change how you feel. You will even think that kids are kids but when your feelings are hurt for whatever reason, the kids are kids thing doesnt suffice. Sandie Sandie Sandie (33) Dave (40) To our Angels - We love and miss you but we know that you are with God right now helping Him.
Psalm 113:9 "He maketh the barren woman to keep house and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the LORD." |
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mommababyboy |
#7 | |||
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Gold Member Over 10,000 posts !!! Oldtimer
Posts: 17018 10/22/2008 1:57 PM Three Buetful Girlz! |
sounds like they blame u for the break up with your dh or maybe they think you had something going on with him when they did... they need to grow up!!! if that
were the case, that still has nothing to do with their children and filling their heads up with b.s.
as far as the when the kids hurt your feelings you cant help but feel resentful... perhaps that is true but i just feel if a person is resenting a child, they really need to look at themselves because they are just kids... you yourself said they are being brain washed by their mom/or others.. so its really not them... i guess i would be mad at the person thats behind it all.. instead of the innocent victims.. the kids... one time my friends step child was over her and her husband house, her dsd pour out shampoo on top of my friend biological child head.. my friend was sooooooo mad at her dsd, she started to dislike her... and to me i couldnt understand why. this could have been the same situation if the two girls were biological sisters. i told my friend that she really needs to check herself and not allow her husband's ex to control how you feel about your dsd and that its not cool to dislike his child.. you may dislike some things that she does, she might make u angry, be disobient, disrespectful...etc.. but this could easily happen with your own child... would you resent your own child for doing that? she said no... she talked to her husband, dsd and they worked it out. she said she never looked at it as her own child. she was too busy thinking about how the ex was filling her head up trying to make her dsd hate her that she didnt realize that her dsd was doing what kids do........ im glad your dh is on your side... and im also happy that you and your dsd are getting along. Too bad the moms are so damn stupid and wasting time being angry with u... it takes a whole village to raise a child... ((HUGS)) |
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sandradenise |
#8 | |||
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Oldtimer
Posts: 4042 10/22/2008 2:56 PM
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Hi Momma,
My DH and I just always had a deep kind of love for each other. I remember when he lived in Jamaica I went home and said I was not going to talk to him. I was just going to avoid him because everytime I was there no matter who he was with, he would break up with them and me and him would hang out and party for the time that I was there on vacation and then when I left he would go back to them. In those times we were just friends and because we grew up together and had the same friends and some family members in common it was great for us all to hang out and reminisce and so on. The girlfriends never could handle that. Even when I had someone else it was still a problem. When he broke up with each of the moms the final time I was never in Jamaica and wouldnt find out about it until way after it happened. he broke up with DSD's mom when DSD was 2 years old and he called me for a shoulder to cry on and at the time unbelievably I just broke up with my ex-fiance at the time. So we nursed each other back to health. He was in Jamaica and I was here in the US. We nursed each other over the phone :-) Anyway, it came to the point where we got used to having each other to lean on again and then that grew to the point that we felt we should try marriage. The thing is, neither one of them really had a strong relationship with him otherwise he wouldnt be okay with breaking up with them to hang out with me for 2 weeks each year. Then on top of that, they shouldnt have allowed him to do that either. I avoided Jamaica when my DSD was born just to not interfere and they broke up anyway. Bio-mom however tells a different tale. She says that DH and I were together all along but that wasnt the case because I was engaged to someone else here in the US when they were both going out. That guy was JEALOUS, girllllllllllll I can tell you stories about that one. MAN!!!!!!! He followed me, bugged my phones, took a bunch of aspirins to make me think he was trying to kill himself. Had to get away from that crazy dude. Sandie Sandie (33) Dave (40) To our Angels - We love and miss you but we know that you are with God right now helping Him.
Psalm 113:9 "He maketh the barren woman to keep house and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the LORD." |
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mommababyboy |
#9 | |||
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Gold Member Over 10,000 posts !!! Oldtimer
Posts: 17018 10/22/2008 6:32 PM Three Buetful Girlz! |
Girl, they sound so petty... i know a lot of women like that and its a dang shame... whatever did or didnt happen.. there are kids involved and they need to
get a grip...
i dont know many people that stayed together from elementry until now... i think its awesome u guys are still together and doing great! |
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pinkforme |
#10 | |||
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Oldtimer
Posts: 212 10/22/2008 8:22 PM |
Hey gals....I'm not a part of an "official" blended family, but we're making our way there and I love the idea of support and advice along
the way. It's definitely not an easy thing to blend two families into one.
I'm Kim. I've been divorced for 2.5 years. I bought a house of my own about 2 years ago and long story short, met my neighbor, became friends and fell in love about a year ago.  He's got 11 y.o. old twin boys and another 9 y.o. boy. I have a 4 y.o. DD. Since he lives in my backyard (literally) we
pretty much live together. My DD adores him and he treats her amazingly. Her dad is a waste. He does have her every other wknd, but usually pawns her off to
his mother, parks her in front of the tv, or ships her off to play with g/f if she hasn't kicked him out at the time. She loves the attention and things
she gets to do with my "HN" (hottie neighbor) I hate the term boyfriend....too high schoolish! 
His boys and I get along well, except they are a little rowdy sometimes...they're boys. I teach school and some days (especially this year since I have the class from he**) I just can't take anymore noise from kids...even my own! We have them every Wednesday night and every other weekend Friday night-Monday during the school year. During the summer, it's a lot more. They live about 30 minutes away with their mom and she works late. He spends a lot of extra time there at her house with them running them to and from activities. I gotta admit I admire him for being an involved dad, but I also want him home sometimes too! That makes me feel really guilty when I admit that. 
I guess the biggest thing for me is that when they are around, it's just craziness and it drives me nuts most of the time. One quick gripe too...tonight, I had them at my house....HN was out on a fire, and one of his boys ate a special treat that one of my friends at school had sent home for my DD. I was so mad! He didn't even ask, I just noticed the candy wrapper on the floor (they never pick up after themselves either...their mother's house is a disaster!) and asked which one ate it. If my DD had been in to their stuff, they'd have tattled in a heartbeat and HN would have been really upset with her about it. |
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mommababyboy |
#11 | |||
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Gold Member Over 10,000 posts !!! Oldtimer
Posts: 17018 10/22/2008 11:17 PM Three Buetful Girlz! |
hey cutie pie. i remember u.. and your fairytale story with hn
 welcome!!
i think u and hn should work on rules with the boys when they are at your house, well thats what i would do...and stay on them.. they are old enough to know better but since they dont.. i would teach them... my daughter does stuff like that.. eat something she's not supposed to or something of that nature... i would have talked to the boy and if it really bothered u a lot.. i would talk to hn about it.. i am really big on kids asking for things before they eat them.. so my dd knows that but there are times when she doesnt... and i call her on it... just hold them accountable... just like u would call your dd on it. when eric and i first got together it was really rough for him getting used to me having two kids and him having none... we talked about the do's and dont's and i just basically said you have to treat them like u treat your own child/children... i remember one time my dd#2 told him..."your not the boss of me"... and I think it was because Eric is really friendly and dd#2 didnt look at him as an authority figure... we talked and really dont have that issue anymore. i thought it was hilarious because she was about 3-4 at the time...i didnt laugh in front of her of course.. |
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sandradenise |
#12 | |||
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Oldtimer
Posts: 4042 10/23/2008 5:59 AM
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Kids are priceless but they just have to have boundaries and know that they are consequences for messing up or crossing boundaries.
I do that a lot. We were supposed to go to Wet N Wild and DSD did certain things that she wasnt supposed to do so the punishment was for us not to go to Wet N Wild yet. I let her know that what she did was not appreciated and that we were upset about it. We don't spank so we have to get creative. What I realize though is that sometimes when we sit her down and talk to her that she ends up feeling bad for what she has done to the point that she will cry and once I see that I know I have made my point and it has hit home. I know that won't work with boys but just be creative on what you do with them. Speak to HN about it and I am quite sure you can come up with something. I'll think about some stuff. Things that I have done is take toys/TV/cell phone away for a week for the first infraction and then additional weeks based on severity of the issue. Sandie Sandie (33) Dave (40) To our Angels - We love and miss you but we know that you are with God right now helping Him.
Psalm 113:9 "He maketh the barren woman to keep house and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the LORD." |
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msmommy |
#13 | |||
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Oldtimer
Posts: 1674 10/23/2008 10:18 AM
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That happens here too...what seems to be a big issue is the older kids, M and H feel that they get in trouble a lot here...once again, I have rules that have to be followed. They think that Kyle is never in trouble...but in reality I am almost harder on Kyle. ??? I have thought about this really hard. I feel that he has to be the example. I want them to see that there are consequences for their actions.
Kim, when you talk about the noise level I completely agree. I do daycare during the day and the last thing I want to listen to after they leave is
screaming kids...mine included
Last night I left the kids here, dh was downstairs resting and M and H had a cupcake for their after dinner snack. Kyle couldn't have one because he didn't eat all his dinner...M and H knew that they couldn't have the cupcakes because they had had sugar snacks at school(banana splits) and then a sugar snack when they got home from school. But since I wasn't home and Dh did not know what snacks they had had earlier they asked him and he said yes...just another example of playing the two parents against each other. So when I got home and realized what they did I was upset...I dropped it. I wasn't in the mood to argue.
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mommababyboy |
#14 | |||
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Gold Member Over 10,000 posts !!! Oldtimer
Posts: 17018 10/23/2008 11:42 AM Three Buetful Girlz! |
sandra those things are effective with my dd#1... no radio/phone.. she straightens up quick!!! good job standing your ground...some step parents back down but
i wouldnt.. nope. i would do exactly what your doing
ms mommy what you're saying happened happens with all kids though... my daughter has done with that me and her dad.. kids will try to get away with stuff. its our job to call them on it and hold them accountable... i wouldnt care what the step kids had to say about punishment there, those are the rules and thats that... they dont have a choice or say in it. my kids dont like my punishments either because dad is more lienant, i could care less. i know that i punish them out of love because i want them to know there is consquences in this house and out there in the streets. u cant do whatever u want and nothing happens. i hated that my mom was strict but it taught me so much.. and i didnt realize it until i was an adult... your step kids/kids probably wont until their adults too... ms mommy, just try and stay on them... and hopefully they will get it. |
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sandradenise |
#15 | |||
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Oldtimer
Posts: 4042 10/23/2008 11:54 AM
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Hi Momma,
I have to do it because my DH is a runner. When DSD does something he prefers running away from the situation than dealing with it. So I have to be the disciplinarian and then he makes it seem like I am the bad cop and he is the good cop. Oh well, I know that what I am doing is for her benefit in the long run. By the way, DSD's mom says that we are too hard on her child. That was expected though and I really don't care what she says because she didnt finish high school and my goal for her daughter is for her to surpass my achievements and I have a Masters degree. Sandie Sandie (33) Dave (40) To our Angels - We love and miss you but we know that you are with God right now helping Him.
Psalm 113:9 "He maketh the barren woman to keep house and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the LORD." |
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mommababyboy |
#16 | |||
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Gold Member Over 10,000 posts !!! Oldtimer
Posts: 17018 10/23/2008 11:59 AM Three Buetful Girlz! |
what is up with men and not discipling? my ex isnt big on discipling but he will follow my punishment.. ex. if they are on punishment here it extends to his
house... that took a while to get him to realize that.. im glad you're there.. she doesnt appreciate it now but later in life it will pay off!!!!! im glad
you're so strong bcuz some step parents try and stand back.. if i was a step parent i wouldnt step back.. i would be front line.. screw that..
my daughter went thru this flip mouth phase, it ended rather quickly because i took all of her clothes (new ones for school), radio, cell, and t.v. you should hear how she talks now.. mommy this, mommy that. i mean every once in a while she will slip up but not like she was... i dont know where it came from. .it was all of a sudden and it surprised the heck out of me.. she's 13 1/2 (and she make sure she add the half to it ) lol what grade is your dsd in? my dd#1 is in 8th grade. |
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sandradenise |
#17 | |||
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Oldtimer
Posts: 4042 10/23/2008 2:23 PM
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DSD is in 6th grade.
She just called me to tell me that she got 100 on her Language Arts project and 105/100 for her Math project. She will get a DS game as a reward for that. Sandie Sandie (33) Dave (40) To our Angels - We love and miss you but we know that you are with God right now helping Him.
Psalm 113:9 "He maketh the barren woman to keep house and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the LORD." |
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pinkforme |
#18 | |||
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Oldtimer
Posts: 212 10/23/2008 4:54 PM |
I battle the problem of my own 4 y.o. coming back from her dad's with a smart mouth. I hear the way she talks to him on the phone and can just imagine the
crap she gets by with on the wknds she's w/ him. Then she comes back to me and I feel like I have to spend 2 days just reminding her that she's not
allowed to do those things w/ me. It's so hard when divorced parents are such different types of parents!
As for the boys' behavior, it's hard at this point too b/c I am just dad's gf, kwim? I mean, I set some guidelines and stuff, but it's not like we all live under one roof yet. This summer, when I had more time with them alone while I had the summer off and HN was at work, I had some real probs w/ one of the twins not listening. I did tell HN about it and he got all over him about it. Now our time together seems so sporadic that it makes it hard to get any kind of consistency down. We keep talking about finishing off one of the rooms in my basement so the kids have a place to play this winter. I love my house, but it doesn't have a good place for all 4 of the to really play. When I bought it, I was only intending on Meg and me! 
As for you all...I'm amazed by you! You sounds like you do a great job with all of this. Ms. Mommy...I would've been  about the cupcakes too. I hate when kids do that. THey do that at school all the time. When they can't get the answer
they want from one teacher, they just keep asking until one teacher gives in.
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mommababyboy |
#19 | |||
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Gold Member Over 10,000 posts !!! Oldtimer
Posts: 17018 10/23/2008 7:22 PM Three Buetful Girlz! |
babe u should have date night/nights!!! me and eric had that problem bfre but we sat down and looked at our schedules and made time for ourselves.. a lot of
families go thru this issue..
jmo about the just the girlfriend... i dont think thats cool because they should listen to and respect all adults regardless of title... hn is awesome for getting on him about it!!! you guys are def headed in the right directions... once the kids see you guys work together. b.s will start 2 be minimal... sandra thats sweet dsd called u and told you about her grades.. sounds like she looks for your approval... in a sense.. thats great!! great job with rewarding, i know she's going to be happy... 6th grade was cool with dd#1, 7th grade she lost her mind and i helped her find it. she was slacking big time... i guess its the teen years... |
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pinkforme |
#20 | |||
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Oldtimer
Posts: 212 10/23/2008 7:31 PM |
Trust me...I used to teach middle school...something happens to kids at the end of 6th grade and by the time they are 7th graders they become totally WEIRD!
It's like a whole year of whacked out PMS or something!
Thank goodness the hormones calm down after a while, or no parent would keep their kid!
I can't say I look forward to those years with our kids. Momma....I see what you're saying about respecting adults, and it's not that they don't respect me. It's just that I don't feel right saying....These are my rules, blah, blah, blah. If we all lived in the same house maybe. You should have seen the horror and shock on their faces the day I insisted that their room get cleaned. I started pulling stuff out from every nook and cranny and making them decide if it was worth taking care of to keep or if it was trash. I also even made them **gasp** fold their clothes and put them in drawers.  I usually get comments like "Does Dad know you're doing this?" I tease them about how they don't need to go and tattle on me for
helping around the house. They laugh about it. Their dad is not known for his tidiness, so I just help out!
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